One night at a recent AA meeting, I had a fascinating discussion that really got me considering the nature of recovery from childhood trauma. A fellow member, who had been clean for more than thirty years, was talking about his struggles with resentment. “I’ve done a lot of work on my trauma,” he remarked, speaking generally, “I know my early years were horrific.” He’d been through therapy, so he recognized the effects of those early events. But he then stated that he could still build resentments, even with someone he cared for dearly like his wife, in a heartbeat. He stopped when I asked him why, if he’s done all this work, is he still building resentments so easily.
I proposed that perhaps his unhealed trauma still serves as the fundamental source of such resentments. Maybe, because he hasn’t fully come to terms with the anger or hurt from the people who abused or neglected him, he’s projecting that pain onto people around him today. He paused to consider that then remarked, “You know, my therapist suggested something similar. She couldn’t answer when I asked her how to correct it, though.”
That question—“how do we fix it?”—really stuck with me. It’s a question I’ve heard so many times from both clients in my practice and people in recovery, and I get it. We all yearn for a solution, right? We want to bulldoze the issue, fix it, and then carry on. But when it comes to trauma, particularly childhood trauma, there is no quick fix. Healing doesn’t operate that way.
The Desire for a Quick Fix
Quick outcomes are valued in the world we live in. And this kind of thinking can be particularly appealing in recovery. We’ve learned how to get things done: working the steps, making amends, staying sober one day at a time. One feels a sense of progress, which is really satisfying. So with deeper scars, like those from childhood trauma, it’s normal to want to use the same approach: find the issue, treat it, then proceed.
Trauma, however, is unlike a leaky faucet that you can simply tighten and stop. It’s more like a broken bone that never healed correctly. You cannot simply act as though it’s okay and keep using that limb pretending nothing happened. You have to eventually go back, reset it, and let it heal properly. And that calls for time, patience, and often much discomfort.
Resentments: A Reflection of Unhealed Trauma
One of the things I have come to believe is that unhealed childhood trauma is responsible for most of our adult resentments and triggers. When we haven’t fully dealt with the pain of our past—whether it’s abuse, neglect, or even the absence of love and support—it tends to show up in our lives in different ways. And one of the most common ways it manifests is through resentment.
Think about it: when someone in the present triggers you and really pisses you off, what’s really happening? Often, it’s not just about the person or situation in front of you. It’s about old wounds being poked at. Maybe your boss makes you feel powerless in a way that reminds you of how powerless you felt as a kid. Or your partner’s criticism brings up feelings of not being good enough, which might echo the way a parent or caregiver made you feel.
These are deep, old wounds. And until we confront them face-to-face, they’ll keep playing out in our current relationships and interactions.
Healing Is About Coming to Terms, Not Fixing
Turning now back to the question: how can we fix it?
As disappointing as it seems, the truth is that we can’t. Trauma cannot be “fixed” the way we mend a damaged appliance. Healing from trauma is more about coming to terms with it than fixing it. It’s about acknowledging the feelings we experienced as kids as the trauma was happening, and the feelings we have as adults as we revisit those events.
It’s not a process you can rush. It calls for deep self-examination, emotional reconciliation, and—above all—patience. Many people, for instance, turn to techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to control trauma-related symptoms. Those techniques seem useful for some. But to me they feel as though they’re addressing the surface symptoms rather than the underlying problem. They may assist with flashbacks or anxiety, but they rarely really capture the core of the suffering.
Healing, from what happened, how it made you feel, and how it still affects your life, calls for something more basic in my experience. It’s about realizing that while trauma cannot be undone, we can change how we carry it going forward.
A Nonlinear Journey
Healing from trauma is anything but linear. You cannot walk through it methodically or step-by-step. Nor can you bulldoze your way through. Actually, trying to hurry it typically backfires. Trauma doesn’t respond well to force, hence you could find yourself feeling more stuck, more frustrated, or even more overwhelmed.
What trauma does respond to, though, is gentleness. It responds to patience and to allowing yourself the time and space to properly feel what has to be felt. This involves occasionally letting very unpleasant emotions—anger, despair, fear—wash over you while just sitting with them. Sometimes it involves allowing yourself to grieve what you lost or never had while going back over memories you would sooner forget.
Work of this kind is not easy. It’s the kind of work that happens in layers, slowly, over time. That’s part of the process; you may advance and then feel as though you are sliding back. Healing is a twisting road rather than a straight one; occasionally the detours are just as vital as the forward progress.
Letting Go of the Fix-It Mentality
For those who are seeking quick fixes or who are frustrated because treatment or recovery hasn’t “fixed” your trauma yet, I understand you. I’ve been there. Actually, though, recovery from trauma calls for a different mindset. It’s not about erasing the past or repairing yourself. It’s about learning to live with the hurt in a way that lets you move through life with more peace, less projection, and fewer resentments.
That means the next time you find yourself wondering, “How do I fix this?” you could instead ask, “How can I come to terms with this?” It’s a subtle but powerful shift in perspective that can open the door to authentic, lasting healing.
Because, ultimately, healing from trauma isn’t about erasing the scars—it’s about learning to live with them, and maybe even finding some strength in the process.