For those of us actively working toward healing, there will eventually arrive a point when the depth of our scars becomes painfully clear. Years—sometimes decades—of wearing the masks of confidence, competence, or control as we negotiate life suddenly reveals how much fear, anxiety, and impotence have been guiding us all along.
Many trauma survivors find this awareness overwhelming rather than freeing. Awareness makes us feel trapped rather than empowered. We notice how deeply rooted our patterns are, and the following idea comes practically automatically:
“Given that I’ve been like this for so long, how am I supposed to start changing now?”
Learned helplessness is that sense that we’re stuck regardless of what we do. It’s also among the main barriers to recovery.
What Is Learned Helplessness?
Learned helplessness is the conditioned notion that our actions have no effect. Whether from childhood neglect, abuse, invalidation, or continuous hardship, it occurs when we repeatedly find ourselves feeling powerless over time.
We stop trying when, as young people, we discover that nothing we do changes our situation. And this old wiring does not simply vanish, even as we reach adulthood—where we technically have greater power. Running in the background, it shapes our movement through the world on every level.
- It makes us avoid trying to change even before we start. (“What’s the purpose? It won’t work.”).
- It keeps us mired in survival mode. (“I just need to keep my head down and get through the day.”).
- It convinces us that agency is not something we possess, but is only had by others. (“Some people can change, but not me.”).
This learned helplessness develops over time to become more than just a belief; it becomes our nervous system’s default condition. Though we logically know we should be able to change, something in us still feels like it’s unattainable.
The Trap: How Learned Helplessness Feeds Itself
Learned helplessness is worst in that it creates a self-reinforcing cycle. Here’s how it looks:
- We recognize our wounds and habits. (Fear, avoidance, passivity, shutdown.)
- We’re unable to see a way out of them. (“I have no idea where to start.”)
- That lack of clarity seems like evidence of our inability to change.
- We remain stuck, thus reinforcing our sense of powerlessness.
That is an emotional and psychological trap. The precise thing we should be doing—taking action—feels unattainable since our past experiences have persuaded us that our efforts will have no effect.
And that’s why this cycle is so hard to break.
Why This Helplessness Is a Symptom, Not a Reality
The key realization is this:
The belief that you cannot change is only a symptom of trauma; it’s not proof that you cannot.
Learned helplessness is not a good gauge of our actual capacity to shape our life, much as anxiety is not always a clear sign of danger.
Right now, the part of you that wants to believe in change is fighting the part of you that learned it was safer to shut down. That conflict—that hopelessness, uncertainty, resistance—is not evidence of failure.
It’s evidence that something is shifting within you.
If you weren’t on the brink of something new, you wouldn’t be here reading this and struggling with these emotions.
Escaping the Trap: Small, Tangible Steps
When we discover we’ve been trapped for years, our reaction is to want to flip the script—that is, to make some huge change and simultaneously fix everything. But that’s yet another trap. Real change never occurs this way.
Rather than trying to turn the entire script around, try just writing a single, new sentence today.
Acting our way out of our old habits, one little decision at a time, is the path out of learned helplessness; thinking our way out is not the solution.
Here are a few starting points:
- Challenge one little assumption first. Let’s imagine you always get out of people’s path on the sidewalk because you feel like you don’t belong? What happens if you don’t move aside?
- Do one action to disrupt passivity. If you feel powerless, what one thing—anything—can you do right now to remind yourself that you can influence your circumstances? It could even be as simple as reorganizing a desk or creating an online post.
- Point out one instance of self-agency. It doesn’t have to be large. Today, did you decide upon anything, decline something you didn’t want, or speak up about a preference? These really count.
- Momentarily leave your “safe zone.” Should you find yourself withdrawing from the world, what happens if you venture out—just briefly? Not to push yourself into discomfort, but rather to remind yourself you’re not limited by your habits or beliefs.
These are hardly “life-changing” actions. Still, they’re steps toward breaking patterns. And pattern-breaking is what begins to undermine the foundations of learned helplessness.
You’re Already Changing
Should you be reading this and resonating with it, you could be wondering:
“Okay, I see the trap now. I still feel, though, that I’m not sure I could actually change.”
That’s alright. You don’t necessarily need to feel ready. You don’t have to believe in change yet—you just have to take one step toward it.
And you’re already changing right now, even if you cannot see it.
- Your questioning of these patterns indicates that their hold is being loosened.
- You’re no longer completely inside your helplessness since you know you have it.
- You’re already moving toward a future just by the fact that you’re looking for one.
Trauma shapes our belief that our past determines our present and future. But healing imparts a different lesson:
Every instant presents an opportunity to take another step.
What then is one simple step, one simple thing you could do right now?
Even though it seems little. Even if it seems insignificant. Even if you’re merely realizing you have options.
This is the way the script begins to change.
One small step at a time.