When it comes to addressing childhood trauma, there’s often one massive obstacle standing in the way of facing our past: our parents. I didn’t know how to reconcile the roles my parents played in my trauma, so I avoided confronting it for years. Though I knew they were responsible for much of what happened to me, I didn’t want to blame them. Years of confusion pushed me back; it wasn’t until I learned how to distinguish between responsibility and blame that I was able to begin my recovery.
If you are anything like me, you may find it difficult to begin working through your childhood experiences because it feels like you’re betraying your parents. “Doesn’t examining what they did imply that I’m blaming them? What if I don’t want to be that kind of person?” I get it; I’ve been there.
My Struggle with Responsibility and Blame
For the longest time, I struggled to face my parents’ role in what had happened to me. On one hand, I recognized that they were responsible for a number of the awful occurrences I experienced as a child. In contrast, I wanted to avoid coming across as blaming them for everything wrong in my life. It felt too black and white, as if I had to either let them off the hook totally or hold them fully accountable—neither felt right.
For years I was locked in this tug-of-war. “I can’t be mad at them,” I thought. “Each of them was dealing with their own issues. They didn’t know any better.” However, I was deeply wounded, and outraged. I couldn’t move forward as long as I tried to suppress those emotions. At the time, I didn’t realize it was possible to feel both feelings at the same time—to recognize my parents’ culpability for their actions while not blaming them entirely.
This change in perspective didn’t happen overnight. It took some time to realize that, while they are related, accountability and blame are not synonymous. Everything changed once I figured that out.
The Difference Between Responsibility and Blame
Responsibility, therefore, entails acknowledging that your traumatic experiences were caused in part by your parents—or anybody else involved. Maybe they actively contributed to your pain, or maybe they failed to protect you when it was most needed. In either case, they’re responsible for what transpired.
However, blame is different. Blame is often more about assigning culpability, pointing fingers, and getting stuck in resentment. Blame frequently carries emotional baggage that can be heavy. Blaming someone can be tough to overcome because it reinforces the attitude that someone else should fix things.
The realization that I could accept my parents’ responsibility without passing judgment on them had a significant impact on me. “Yes, they played a huge role in my trauma,” I could say, But I didn’t have to be consumed by anger, or let it dictate how I regarded them, or myself, moving forward.
How Fear of Blaming Our Parents Holds Us Back
The fear of blaming their parents, I believe, is one of the primary reasons why many individuals, including myself, are hesitant to address their childhood trauma. We don’t want to accuse them of being bad people or feel guilty for thinking critically about their bad behavior. There’s an unspoken rule in many cultures that you should never criticize your parents, no matter what.
Years passed while this fear held me back. It terrified me to think what would happen if I allowed myself to really begin examining my childhood. What if acknowledging their role meant losing my connection with them? What if facing it directly meant I would become disgruntled and bitter? These questions trapped me in an avoidance spiral.
But what I didn’t realize was that by avoiding the issue, I wasn’t sparing anyone—least of all myself. I was simply prolonging my own suffering. I began to feel free only after I allowed myself to recognize my parents’ responsibility without layering it with blame.
Coming to Terms with Complicated Emotions
This is where it gets challenging: allowing yourself to feel two seemingly opposing emotions at once. It was the understanding that, while my parents caused me immense pain, they were human beings doing the best they could within their own limitations. That helped me let go of the notion that admitting their responsibility meant condemning them completely, even if it did not excuse them of the harm they caused.
It’s possible to feel hurt and compassion at the same time. You can recognize your parents as imperfect individuals (yes, we’re all imperfect, including our parents), but this doesn’t absolve them of responsibility for your misery. For years, I believed that I couldn’t hold both feelings together. But learning to do so was one of the most healing pursuits I’ve ever engaged in. It helped me break out of emotional limbo and stop blaming myself for what happened.
Practical Steps for Moving Forward
If you find yourself struggling with this as well, here are some solutions that worked for me:
- Journaling: Writing about both my pain and understanding at the same time changed everything. Getting all of my conflicting emotions out on paper helped me to finally begin making sense of them.
- Meditation: Mindfulness enabled me to sit with both anger and compassion without having to “solve” either sensation. It became evident to me that both could coexist without cancelling each other out.
- Self-compassion: Learning to have compassion for yourself takes time. Don’t rush it. Allow yourself to experience everything without judging yourself for it. Healing is messy, and that’s normal.
- Therapy (If Available): Although I didn’t have access to a therapist, I’ve worked with enough of them in the past to realize that working with a trauma-informed specialist would have been very helpful in untying the web of shame and responsibility. If you have the resources, I recommend that you seek assistance in navigating this procedure.
Conclusion
Recognizing the differences between responsibility and blame was a watershed moment in my healing journey. It allowed me to view my parents clearly, without guilt or anger controlling the narrative. If you find yourself struggling with this also, remember that it’s okay to feel both compassion and hurt. It’s okay to take your time. Above all, it’s okay to confront the past so you can finally move forward.