To be honest, child development is one of those things we sort of take for granted until we start examining our own past and asking, “Wait… did I truly achieve those benchmarks?” Much of this growth occurred organically if you grew up in a consistent, loving atmosphere. But if your childhood was marked by trauma, neglect, or chaos, there’s a high likelihood that some of these milestones were delayed, interrupted, or skipped altogether.
Here we’re exploring what healthy development should look like so that we may subsequently understand what happens when childhood complex trauma (CCT) interferes.
What Are Developmental Milestones, and Why Do They Matter?
Imagine developmental milestones as a road map. Children don’t arise one day knowing how to control their emotions, form friendships, or engage in critical thinking. These skills develop gradually, in a sequence, building on what preceded.
It’s like building a house. Starting with a foundation—basic trust and safety—you then build the walls—emotional control, social skills—and then add the roof—complex thinking, problem-solving, and independence. Should something disrupt one of the early phases, the rest of the construction is wobbly.
Usually, three primary aspects define these benchmarks:
- Emotional development: How children come to identify and control emotions?
- Social development: Their learning of social interactions with others
- Cognitive development: How individuals learn to reason, think, and understand their surroundings?
Let’s dissect them now.
Emotional Development: Learning to Handle Feelings
From day one, emotions strike children like an oncoming train. Although they have basic, unfiltered emotions—hunger, discomfort, joy, fear—babies have no concept what to do with them. Caregivers, parents for most of us, then become quite important in this process. Babies learn when they cry and a caregiver comforts them: “Ah, when I feel awful, someone else helps me feel better. I find safety here. This makes sense to me.”
Usually, emotional development looks like this:
Infancy (0-12 months)
- Clearly expressing basic feelings including surprise, happiness, and distress.
- Understanding and addressing caregiver emotions; ever notice how a baby will grin back at you?
- Developing basic trust; the nervous system learns safety when needs are regularly satisfied.
Toddlerhood (1-3 years)
- Big feelings, but little self-control. This marks the tantrum stage.
- Learning emotional regulation under the direction of caregivers. Teaches children to self-soothe.
- Developing early independence. Constant “NO!” indicates a developing autonomy.
Early Childhood (3-6 years)
- Increasing emotional vocabulary. For example, “I feel sad,” rather than merely crying.
- Developing empathy. Beginning to see that others also have emotions.
- Evolving frustration tolerance. Not reacting with a fit every time anything goes wrong.
Middle Childhood (6-12 years)
- Learning increasingly nuanced feelings including pride, shame, and guilt.
- Growing emotional independence. Still needs occasional help.
- Increasing self-esteem, mostly molded by achievements and social contacts.
Adults who experienced emotional development disruption frequently struggle with emotional regulation, trust issues, or chronic worry. This is because their nervous system never learned that emotions could be controlled.
Social Development: Learning to Connect with Others
As social beings, figuring out how to be in relationships—first with caregivers, then with peers, teachers, and finally romantic partners and colleagues—defines a great portion of childhood.
Social growth usually proceeds something like this:
Infancy (0-12 months)
- Establishing secure attachments. Acknowledging caregivers and expressing preferences.
- Learning to interact. Smiling, cooing, using facial expressions.
- Developing fundamental social trust. People = connection and safety.
Toddlerhood (1-3 years)
- Participating in parallel play. Playing close to other children but not with them yet.
- Learning early social norms, including sharing, taking turns, at the most basic level.
- Growing in independence in interactions, such as selecting preferred persons.
Early Childhood (3-6 years)
- Engaging in cooperative play. Interacting with other children and playing together.
- Creating friendships, though they’re often erratic and change everyday.
- Imitating adult behaviors, such as pretending to “cook,” “be a teacher”.
Middle Childhood (6-12 years)
- Developing closer friendships. Usually founded in trust and common interests.
- Deciphering social hierarchies including group dynamics, justice, and fairness.
- Emerging moral compass. Learning what’s “right” and “wrong” outside of mere guidelines.
When social development is disturbed, you may find adults who struggle with intimacy, avoid connection, or feel distant from others as they never completely learned how to trust connections.
Cognitive Development: Learning to Think and Understand the World
Cognitive development is essentially about how children understand their experiences, solve problems, and process information. A child’s perspective begins by being rather me-centered and black-and-white. But it gets more nuanced as they develop.
Infancy (0-12 months)
- Using senses to explore their environment. Putting everything in their mouths is an example.
- Learning object permanence. They begin to recognize that objects exist even when they cannot see them.
- Starting to use cause-and-effect learning. For example, if I cry, someone comes.
Toddlerhood (1-3 years)
- Basic problem solving: How can I get the toy beneath the couch?
- Growing knowledge of language, understanding words have meaning.
- Engaging in symbolic play. For example, using a block to represent a phone.
Early Childhood (3-6 years)
- Endless asking of “why?” questions. Curiosity erupts.
- Growing in memory and attention span, though still rather prone to distraction.
- Learning time and sequencing ideas. For example, first we eat, then we go outside.
Middle Childhood (6-12 years)
- Beginning to use logic. Greater understanding of cause and effect.
- Acquiring advanced knowledge in arithmetic, reading, problem-solving.
- Growing in critical thinking and developing personal viewpoints.
Disturbances in cognitive development manifests in adults who struggle with problem-solving, feel stuck in inflexible black-and- white thinking, or find it difficult adjusting to new circumstances.
Why This Matters
These milestones define our adulthood as well as shaping childhood. Childhood complex trauma can leave gaps when it interferes with this normal development. Perhaps you never developed emotional regulation, maybe relationships seem dangerous, or maybe your brain is caught in survival mode.
The good news is that one can learn these abilities. The brain is flexible and mending is possible even if you missed some developmental steps. The initial step in determining how to cover those voids is understanding what should have happened.
Final Thoughts
If this speaks to you, avoid falling into the trap of self-blame. Not one of us had a flawless upbringing. The secret is recognizing where your growth might have been disrupted so you can begin working to restore those fundamental abilities. You’re simply unfinished; you’re not broken. And you’re quite free to keep developing.
We’ll next discuss how early connections define identity, since who you believe you are frequently reflects how you were treated early on. Stay tuned.