I’ve spent years yearning for actual, closer relationships. Friendships with a genuine sense of safety. Relationships that allowed me to be totally myself.
Still, I’ve continued to push folks away somehow. To keep them at arm’s length.
I never intended for this to happen. It just did. Someone would reach out, and I would hesitate. My internal programming would say, “They’re not really interested in me.” Even though I wanted connection, I would sense a wall rising between us. A wall of my own making.
I thought, for the longest time, that this was simply my nature. That I lacked “the proper wiring” for intimacy. Perhaps I needed people less than others did.
That isn’t accurate, though.
When Distance Becomes a Defense Mechanism
It took a long time for me to recognize that my inclination to push people away was based on what I had learned, not on some quality inherent within me.
Children have a natural orientation for connection. They need warmth, protection, and trust. Their nervous system adjusts, though, if those characteristics are absent—if interactions were unreliable, conditional, or even dangerous.
That adaptation involves building walls for some of us. Not because we desire to be alone, but rather because we discovered that relationships can be painful.
- Maybe love felt unpredictable—there one minute and withdrawn the next.
- Perhaps vulnerability was punished rather than encouraged.
- Maybe we had to “earn” approval by meeting unrealistic expectations.
We therefore learned to shut down. To retreat. To protect ourselves.
The First Step is Recognizing the Pattern
If this speaks to you, know this: you’re not damaged. Your personality is not flawed in this regard. This is a learned reaction, one that likely made sense in the past, but that may not be helping you now.
There’s encouraging news though: Patterns can change.
I still have a lot to learn when it comes to letting others in, to softening, to trusting. Certain days are easier than others. Still, every little moment of openness, every time I find myself pulling back and decide to remain present, marks progress.
What Helps? A Few First Steps
Should you find you relate to this experience, here are some pointers:
- Noticing the pattern: The next time you feel yourself naturally shutting down, pause. Ask yourself: Is this merely an old response running in me, or am I genuinely unsafe?
- Engaging in little moments of openness: Connection doesn’t have to mean total vulnerability. A good starting point may be a simple “How’s your day going?”
- Recognizing the influence of childhood experiences: One of the most important secrets to recovery is understanding how early events molded your nervous system.
You’re Not Alone on This Journey
If you have a history of pushing people away, remember you’re not alone. And though it takes time, healing is possible.
This is a topic I investigate deeply in my work—how early adversity influences our adult relationships and how we could start to rebuild safety and connection.
Discover more about this and other strategies for transforming the impacts of trauma here.